Dear For Love & Money,
My husband tightly controls how we spend. To him, anything beyond basic necessities is a waste. We are not rich, and our credit card balances are substantial, but our income is solid enough that we should still be able to afford a few extras.
The issue causing the most friction is a gym membership. I am permitted to spend $10 a month on a low-cost fitness club, but I would prefer that we both join a more upscale facility with a smoothie bar, sauna, and pool. Ideally, I would also have a personal trainer. I view that as an investment in our health, which matters most to me.
My husband refuses to join any gym, and his reluctance is obvious. I understand that he is deeply concerned about our finances and stressed by our credit card debt, but I care about both of us feeling and looking our best. He is carrying excess weight and frequently complains about aches and pains. How can I help him see why our physical health should come first?
Sincerely,
Gym Rat
Dear Gym Rat,
Sharing a life means sharing financial responsibilities, but it does not automatically mean partners must share the same financial priorities, even though alignment can make life easier.
You describe your husband as controlling with money, yet you also ask how to make him place both of your health needs first. That raises a question: Is he controlling, or does he simply value financial fitness more than physical fitness?
If your husband requires you to seek permission for necessities such as groceries, clothing, or medicine, or confines you to a strict allowance because he regards the money as his alone to command, that could be financial abuse. Based on the rest of what you have described, however, your problem appears to stem more from sharply different priorities than from financial control.
What stands out is that each of you has a defensible point when viewed separately. Physical health and financial health are both worthwhile priorities. What purpose would money serve if you could barely move because of pain? Conversely, if you spend everything on an expensive gym, luxury meal plans, and personal trainers, how will you afford the extra years that better health may give you?
The answer is not for one partner to win an argument and force the other to adopt their viewpoint. Values tend to be deeply rooted, and trying to reason someone out of them is usually futile. Instead, you need a solution in which each of you gives up a little so that both of you can support your respective values.
Compromise is challenging because it demands brutally honest examination of your motives. You may need to ask whether an expensive gym is truly necessary for your health or whether its appeal is mainly indulgent. Your husband may need to consider whether his resistance to spending on physical fitness is about preserving money or simply a lack of interest in exercise.
That does not mean either of you must deny yourselves. Your husband does not have to work out at a gym, and you do not have to remain at a budget club merely because a sauna and smoothies are temptations. Still, honestly distinguishing between wants and needs is the necessary first step toward a compromise you can both accept.
You also need to stop scrutinizing your husband’s priorities. He is right that financial security matters, and if credit card debt makes him anxious, you should work with him to eliminate it. He should not dismiss your desire to become fitter as frivolous, just as you should not treat his financial concerns as unreasonable. Each of you needs to respect the other’s priorities.
At their core, you both want the same outcome: he wants less financial stress, while you want to improve your health in a way that requires discretionary income. The best path to satisfying both goals is to pay off your credit card debt. I am not siding with your husband; I am simply acknowledging that an expensive gym membership costs money.
Long-term credit card debt can be easy to overlook because it represents money you do not actually have. High interest charges and damage to your credit score make it sensible for your husband to prioritize repayment. Physical fitness also matters, but continuing with your $10 membership for now appears to be a reasonable compromise.
That compromise should include a joint plan for eliminating the debt that worries your husband, along with recognition of your health goal. You might agree on a savings target that will be celebrated with a new gym membership, followed by a personal trainer once all the debt is gone. Perhaps the motivation created by paying down the balances will even encourage your husband to exercise with you.
You asked how to help your husband understand why health should come first, and I realize this may not be the answer you hoped for. Health and finances are both major concerns, but in a marriage, the relationship comes first. When you share a life, you share both the results and the happiness—and that is something you both want.
Wishing you both the best,
For Love & Money
An earlier version of this article originally appeared in April 2023.
Need advice about how savings, debt, or another financial problem is affecting your relationship? Contact For Love & Money through this Google form.