We may be missing opportunities to cultivate our happiness everyday. Have you ever wanted to start a conversation with a stranger on your train commute or write a thank you to a colleague for going out of their way to help you to meet your deadline? But you hesitate, because you wondered if it’d be an awkward.
Many of us hesitate to connect with the people around us at work and elsewhere because we are afraid we may be rejected, says Nicholas Epley, a behavioral science professor at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. His research on social interactions shows that people tend to undervalue how positively their attempts to connect with others will be perceived.
What The Research Says On Happiness
We underestimate ourselves and the impact of reaching out. In the study “Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation,” Epley and fellow researcher Amit Kumar found that people generally failed to anticipate how deeply the recipients would appreciate expressions of gratitude.
It’s the same with many other kinds of social interactions — we undervalue them!
Research like Relational Diversity In Social Portfolios Predicts Well-being reveals “that interacting with a more diverse set of relationship types predicts higher well-being.” Assistant Professor of Management and Organizations at UCLA Hannes Collins reports that having social interactions with a diversity of kinds of relationships — including acquaintances and strangers — increases our wellbeing.
“The more relationship categories [people] talk to in a day and the more even their conversations are across those categories, the happier they are. And we find this in a large sample across many countries,” said Collins.
Together, Collins and Epley’s research supports that relationships help us remain happier and healthier throughout our lives. Connecting with strangers, significant others, colleagues and acquaintances are all important to cultivating our social networks and living happy, fulfilling lives.
Since all the research points to the fact that we should find ways to connect with others, why not take a chance and do it. Write the thank you notes. Start conversations. At your holiday parties, you can move beyond conversations about the weather, and build meaningful connections.
When you connect with others — even strangers on the train — you never know what will happen! A colleague of mine, who regularly chats with people on his commute to work, has met people who work in the same building and have become great friends who regularly eat lunch together.
Here’s a simple way to reach out: story collecting. When we ask story-prompting questions, we make space for people to share authentically about themselves. When you create a curious and respectful space for others to tell their stories, you multiply your benefits of relationships. Here’s how:
Increase Your Happiness 3 Great Questions
Storytelling can strengthen our social connections when we help others discover and share their own stories. We can help them do that through a story collecting exercise. Start by simply asking friends, colleagues or strangers story-prompting questions.
Here are three great questions to start collecting stories.
- Who has been very influential in your work life? How so?
- Can you tell me about a time someone supported you in a meaningful way?
- Who was one of the best bosses you ever had?
You can always come up with your own Crazy Good Questions that feel more authentic to you and what you are interested in learning about.
Creating Happiness: Making Everyday Interactions Into Meaningful Ones
Here’s an example of how my colleague Reena Kansal has experienced the benefits of becoming a story collector:
I’ve learned that asking good questions can turn everyday interactions into something much more meaningful. Usually when I go to the Salvation Army to donate, I just drop off my stuff and leave. But one day, I paused, and I asked the person collecting the donations, What inspired him to volunteer here? He launched into a story!
I learned that he had been homeless, and the donations from the Salvation Army got him out of his situation. He now has a home and a steady job. He likes to give back and volunteer because the Salvation Army helped him get through a hard time.
Just one simple question inspired a story that helped me connect with this stranger. It also helped me see volunteers differently and understand the impact of my donated items.
Guidelines For Making Authentic Connections, Increasing Happiness
1. Share the “why.”
Tell the storyteller why you want to hear their story. If the teller is busy, they may not want to make time unless they’re sure you have a clear purpose. They may also want to assess whether that purpose fits their own priorities. So be honest about your goals. For example, Reena at the Salvation Army simply said, “I’m curious about why you volunteer here,” to show her interest was genuine.
2. Acknowledge the teller’s vulnerability.
Sharing a story can make the teller feel vulnerable. If you are asking someone to share a story at work it may feel very awkward to set aside time for storytelling. It’s often contrary to workplace norms that value efficiency.
What’s more, a story — even a business story — can be personal. For instance, the story may involve a time the teller made a tough call or a challenge — like experiencing a major professional setback. A story may weave in facts about other people — facts the storyteller might not feel at liberty to share. Since stories are not cut and dry, and part of the vulnerability of telling a story comes from fear of saying more than we intend and leaving things open to interpretation.
Don’t let any of this stop you from asking for stories. A lot of people are thirsty for a chance to share and process experience. Showing respectful, encouraging curiosity goes a long way to help people feel comfortable while navigating this kind of vulnerability.
3. It’s a win-win situation
You are not the only benefitting from this social interaction. The teller is also going to get something out of sharing their stories: a chance to connect deeply, and, perhaps, a chance to share about something important to them. It could be an opportunity to champion their team’s accomplishments, or reflect on the past year.
If they begin to veer toward too many tangents, redirect them. Try a warm but firm statement like: “I’d love to hear more, but I also want to know about…”
Increase Your Happiness With Storytelling
Your attention to the teller’s story will create stronger social bonds and increase your happiness and the happiness of the person you are connecting to. It could help you make a valuable connection at a networking event. Storytelling can deepen your relationships with people at work or even your Aunt Jo at a holiday party. During the holiday season, when we have the chance to see friends and family, it’s a great chance to practice being a warm, open story collector. It will allow the conversations to be more meaningful. After all, the best way to get someone’s attention is to give them yours.
If you hear a really good story, ask if you can use it! See if the storyteller will let you share their story in your next presentation. Story facilitation and story discovery are key skills in leadership storytelling — and a rewarding way to make new social connections and increase the happiness for ourselves and the people around us.