Yann Dang, Aspire Coaching | Leadership & Emotional Intelligence Coach for Women in Male-Dominated Industries | Host of The Balanced Leader.
When you think of the leaders who shaped history—visionary CEOs, transformative politicians, groundbreaking innovators—what words come to mind? Powerful. Convincing. Inspiring.
But “nice”? Almost never.
And yet, women in particular are conditioned from childhood to lead with “nice.” Be agreeable. Be likable. Don’t disrupt. In high-stakes rooms, that conditioning doesn’t translate as kindness. It translates as weakness.
I’ve lived this tension. As a former global finance leader, I spent years leading rooms full of older, male executives across continents. In one meeting, I remember softening my recommendation—worried I might come across as too forceful—only to watch a male peer state the same idea with conviction. The room aligned with him instantly. That moment cemented what I would later see in dozens of women leaders I coach today: It’s not competence holding us back. It’s the habit of mistaking “nice” for influence.
The Myth Of Nice
Niceness is often confused with kindness. They’re not the same—and conflating them costs leaders credibility.
Kindness is authentic. It’s grounded in respect, empathy and truth. It may even require courage: delivering direct feedback, setting boundaries or making decisions for the greater good even when unpopular.
Niceness, by contrast, is often inauthentic. It’s an autopilot response designed to keep others comfortable and preserve likability—even when it means suppressing your real perspective.
When leaders confuse niceness for kindness, they dilute their authority. Instead of building trust, they signal fear. Instead of being seen as strategic peers, they become invisible supporters.
This is why niceness backfires: It’s not authentic, it’s not powerful and it does not create lasting influence.
Power, Conviction And Command
In high-stakes leadership, no one is looking for “nice.”
Picture a boardroom where millions of dollars ride on the next decision. Or a crisis call when your team is waiting on direction. In those moments, the leader who hesitates, softens or tries to please isn’t seen as caring. They’re seen as unsure.
That wishy-washy energy erodes confidence fast. If people don’t believe you believe in your own recommendation, why should they?
Conviction is what turns a perspective into a plan. It says: I’ve thought this through, and here’s where we need to go. Command is what ensures others follow. Together, they create the authority that niceness never will.
And here’s the nuance: Conviction doesn’t mean aggression. It means calm clarity. It’s the difference between “Here’s what I recommend and why” versus “I think we could maybe …” The first earns trust. The second undermines it.
I coached a senior executive recently who struggled with this exact tension. She was brilliant and prepared, but when presenting to the board, she led with tentative phrasing and a smile meant to soften the edges. Together, we practiced anchoring into her body—delivering her recommendation as if her life depended on it. That grounded, forceful conviction shifted everything. She came back to me and said, “They finally listened. It wasn’t louder. It was steadier.”
That’s the power of conviction and command. It’s not about being the loudest voice in the room. It’s about being the one people trust to see the path forward.
Shifting From Pleasing To Powerful
If you recognize yourself in the “nice” trap, here are three shifts to start practicing:
• Language: Replace apologies with clarity. Shift from “Sorry to bother you” to “Here’s what I need clarity on.”
• Presence: Pause before softening your voice or overexplaining. Ask yourself: If I trusted I belonged here, how would I speak right now?
• Boundaries: Protect your agenda. Being the office “therapist” may feel helpful, but it drains energy from the strategic impact only you can make.
Each small change compounds into a larger shift—from pleasing others to standing fully in your power.
The Future Of Leadership Isn’t Nice
Leadership in the next decade won’t reward those who keep everyone comfortable. It will reward those who lead with truth—anchored in presence, power and emotional maturity.
“Nice” may have helped you early in your career. It might have smoothed relationships or opened doors. But if you’re still leading with likability, you’re leading at half your power.
History remembers leaders who were powerful, visionary and, yes, sometimes even disruptive. But never just “nice.”
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