How To Overcome Nerves To Become A Stronger Negotiator

When it comes to negotiations, skills and strategy are important. That said, despite having ample knowledge about what it takes to successfully negotiate, many people find themselves unable to initiate negotiations or move forward due to other internal or emotional barriers. Moshe Cohen is a mediator, author, and negotiation instructor at Boston University. He joined Negotiate Anything to share his expert advice for overcoming nerves to become a more successful negotiator.

Getting Out of Your Own Way

Having spent years teaching others how to negotiate better, Moshe started to notice that there appeared to be a disconnect between theory and execution for many of his students. Learning the strategies wasn’t enough. People still found themselves struggling to engage in a high-stakes negotiation or continue with the conversation when faced with a barrier. This led him to conclude that there must be something going on with us. Our fears and emotions take over and we begin to tell ourselves stories about why we can’t achieve our ultimate goal.

In the moment, this usually looks like excessive anxiety as we approach the conversation or feelings of shame after we hear our first “no.”

Keeping this in mind, it became clear to Moshe that true negotiation success depends on your ability to get out of your own way.

“How can we manage the things that are getting in the way so that we can access the skills and strategies and preparation we brought to the table?” he reflected.

Managing Moments & Effects

According to Moshe, a big factor in getting out of our own way is learning to manage moments.

Our biggest obstacles (and opportunities) in negotiations will come down to difficult moments. The smallest thing has the potential to throw us off. We will function optimally until one triggering word is said (or question is posed) and then we won’t. To overcome this, Moshe recommends self-awareness and slowing down.

We can begin by identifying our most common triggers and preparing techniques to help us cope in the moment. Slowing down is a great tactic to try, but it can also be difficult to implement on the spot.

According to Moshe, some easy ways to slow down include disengaging or taking a break, staying silent for a moment, asking questions (this gives you the opportunity to reflect while they are responding) or taking notes.

He also recommends taking some time to consider other areas of our life where you have been able to slow down in the moment and identify what may have worked then and what you can apply to this interaction.

The key is to identify a technique that will best help you to pause, not quit, during the more challenging moments in negotiations.

Stories We Tell Ourselves

While learning how to slow down is instrumental to becoming a better negotiator, it can be difficult for some people to accept their emotional triggers. This can be especially true for those in positions of power or leadership. Feeling and dealing with emotions can feel like a weakness.

According to Moshe, accepting our emotional reality comes down to the stories we tell ourselves. He has an entire chapter dedicated to this in his book Collywobbles: How to Negotiate When Negotiating Makes You Nervous.

As a leader, it can be easy to convince yourself that emotions shouldn’t factor into your conversations and decisions, but that’s just a story. Similarly, there are dozens of other stories that we tell ourselves that threaten the success of our negotiations. Common examples include:

It’s selfish for me to advocate for myself.

I haven’t worked hard enough to earn more money.

This company or person won’t negotiate on price.

If I ask for a raise, my boss will probably be annoyed with me.

The unfortunate reality is that oftentimes these voices become so loud that we don’t even realize we’re telling ourselves stories. Instead, we assume we know what’s possible (or impossible) and become avoidant.

To overcome these unproductive narratives, Moshe encourages people to first take time to recognize them. He recommends writing these stories down or even looping a friend or colleague into the conversation.

“Sometimes when [somebody else] asks you the question, you can think it through and answer it better,” he explained.

From there, he advises negotiators to consider the impact of the story. If it’s positive, keep it. If it’s negative, consider what this can do to do you in the conversation.

Finally, when analyzing our stories, Moshe encourages everybody to consider what they really know. The typical answer: not that much.

“Be a skeptic,” Moshe shared.” Ask yourself: how do I know what I think I know?”

Then consider what some other alternative stories could be. Challenging your narratives in this way will help you to remain open-minded and engaged in the conversation, which creates more opportunity for success.

Despite having the knowledge and skills to negotiate, many of us get tripped up by our emotions and anxieties. Rather than pushing through, this is where many of us will exit the negotiation or avoid the conversation all together. By taking time to slow down, identify our triggers, and critically analyze the stories we tell ourselves, we increase the odds for success in our most important negotiations.

Follow Moshe Cohen on LinkedIn. To listen to the full episode, click here.