7 Actions You Can Take When A Coworker Throws You Under The Bus

Everyone has had that coworker. You know the coworker who is rude to you when you’re alone but sweet as can be when your manager is in the room. The coworker who purposely “forgets” to tell you critical pieces of information, hoping to make you look incompetent. The coworker who criticizes your ideas and then takes credit for them. It can feel like a knife in the back when you realize your coworker only befriended you to gain your trust so they can take advantage of you later.

If you’re working with someone like this, you’re not alone. A 2022 study from Quality Logo Products found that more than 90% of Americans have a coworker who annoys them, and 57% of people have considered quitting, or left their jobs, because of an annoying coworker.

When a boss or manager steals credit for your work or criticizes you or leaves you in the lurch with a big project, it hurts, but not in the same way as a coworker doing these same things. You and your colleagues are in the trenches together, fighting the good fight every day at work. You tell your coworkers things you would never say to your manager, and they’re supposed to be there to pick up the slack when you’re struggling and vice versa.

This is why it really stings when a coworker makes you look bad. You thought you were on the same team, but they see you as the enemy. If a coworker makes you look bad in front of your manager, here’s what to do:

Step 1. Get All The Facts

Before you talk to your coworker, you want to make sure you have all the information. Take a step back and look at the situation. Is there anything you’re missing? You want to make sure you don’t have tunnel vision, and you’re considering all sides of the situation.

If this is an ongoing issue, make sure you’re taking detailed notes of what’s happening along with the time and day. When you’re talking to your coworker, you can then reference the situations, and knowing exactly what was said on a specific day and time helps strengthen your case. If the situation escalates, you’ll also want specifics to share with your manager or HR.

Step 2. Prepare And Practice

Once you have all the information, the next step is to write out what you’re going to say to your coworker. If you’re really struggling with anger regarding this situation, it might be worthwhile to write out a “this is really what I want to say to you” letter – don’t send it! This is a good way to process your feelings, especially when you’re feeling stuck.

Once you know what you’re going to say, ask a friend to listen so you can practice saying it out loud. Your friend can also give you feedback on how you’re coming across and if there is anything you need to modify.

Step 3. Give Your Coworker A Heads-Up

While your coworker didn’t give you any notice before they threw you under the bus, you’re not going to play that game. Let your coworker know you would like to talk about something, and you would like to know when would be a good time to meet. If they want to talk right there and then, don’t give in; let them know this is private and not something you can just talk about in the break room.

Step 4. Have The Talk

Before you have the talk, take a few minutes to set your intention. What are you hoping to achieve by talking to your coworker? Do you want an apology? Do you simply want to let them know you’re aware of what’s happening and it needs to stop? Having a clear intention before you go into a conversation will help you present yourself in the way in which you intended.

When you talk to your coworker, be clear, direct and concise. Don’t add in more information than you need to make your point, and focus on the facts. If they try to interrupt you, let them know you want to finish your thought, and then they can respond. Your blood may be boiling inside, but you want to remain calm and reassured.

Step 5. Be Prepared For Anything

In an ideal world, your coworker would apologize profusely and tell you they’ll never do it again, and they only did it because you’re so amazing and they feel intimidated. Most likely they’ll get defensive and try to argue their point or tell you you’re mistaken. If they get defensive and want to argue, that’s fine, you’re just not going to engage.

Let your coworker know you’ve said what you want to say, and the next time it happens, you’re going to take it to your manager. If they try to gaslight you and make you think it didn’t happen or they didn’t mean it that way, you can pull out your notes with the time, day and the specific comment (this is why you keep detailed notes!) and ask them what they meant to say. Unless they have an amazing memory, they’re not going to be able to “trick” you into thinking you misunderstood or misheard the comment.

Use your good communication skills, which means only “I” statements. Don’t make accusations or threats. Let your coworker know how these comments impact you and highlight your concerns about this being an ongoing problem.

Step 6. Practice Empathy

You and your coworker are going to have to continue to work together, which means you can’t outright hate them or work will become really miserable. As much as we want the people who hurt us to feel our anger and resentment, it doesn’t work that way. Your anger only hurts you and keeps you stuck and bitter, and you don’t want to live like that.

The best way to deal with people you don’t like is to practice empathy. Empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and seeing the world through their eyes. Why do you think this coworker feels the need to put you down? Maybe they’re really jealous of you because your manager likes you more, maybe you remind them of someone they hate who once really hurt them, or maybe they’re miserable at home because they’re going through a divorce.

It actually doesn’t really matter if you know the truth behind your coworker’s behavior. What matters is how you see it, and if you can see the humanity in your coworker, you’ll be able to make peace with the situation.

When all else fails, come from a place of gratitude. If you’re having a hard time empathizing at the moment, you can always be grateful for this opportunity to grow and get this experience of learning to communicate more effectively and to stand up for yourself. Without this coworker, you wouldn’t have had this opportunity.

Step 7. Protect Yourself In The Future

Your coworker has shown you who they are, which means you need to start to protect yourself moving forward. Be mindful not to leave your computer open and on when you’re not around, and if your coworkers know your password or where your password is written down, change it and keep that information where only you can access it. Choose your words wisely when you send emails, texts, or slack messages, as well as in-person conversations.

Don’t be paranoid and avoid your coworkers altogether because it’s important for you to have good relationships with everyone. You just need to be more aware of what you share with certain people. Don’t share information with anyone that you don’t completely trust. Trust takes time, so if you’re at a new job or if there is a new hire, don’t automatically assume every coworker has the same intentions. Even though you spend many hours each week with your coworkers, it doesn’t mean they’re all going to be your friends. These boundaries are important whether your coworker is trying to make you look bad or not.

A good coworker can make a day at work feel like a day at Disneyland. Good coworkers lift you up, pitch in when you need help, and are always there with the best advice. Don’t let one bad coworker turn you off from building great work relationships because they’re invaluable. At the end of the day, you can only control your emotions, actions and responses to your coworkers. By showing up every day as a ‘good coworker,’ you’re modeling the way you want to be treated, and by standing up for yourself (through the steps listed above) when you have to work with that one person who drives you crazy, you’re building your confidence and standing out as a leader.