I’ve spent my career in rooms full of men who had already made up their minds before I opened my mouth. Credit committees, boardrooms, and government offices are all places where, historically, being young and female has not commanded a lot of respect. But I’ve learned something those men didn’t expect: Sometimes the best way to get what you want isn’t to fight them head-on. It’s to make them think your solution was their brilliant idea all along.
Read the Room, Then Reframe Everything
It was summer 2008, and tensions were escalating with Russian-backed separatists. I was sitting in a credit committee meeting, watching every presenter get rejected because the bank was too scared of the political situation to take risks. When my turn came, they’d already decided to say no to my client—a telecommunications company that was part of Georgia’s new wave of private businesses.
Instead of arguing why the loan made business sense, I reframed the entire argument. I told them this wasn’t just about financing a company—this was about supporting Georgia’s fight for independence. Telecommunications was a strategic infrastructure. Approving this project was a way for us to build a stronger, more independent Georgia.
Suddenly, they weren’t just bankers making a risk assessment. They were patriots standing up for their country.
We discussed outcomes, analyzed pros and cons, and they approved the loan. Just as I was collecting the signed papers, the secretary burst in: “We are officially at war.”
I grabbed those documents and ran. My client thought I was crazy for working on his project while Russian troops surrounded us. But that’s exactly why the reframe worked; I made the committee believe that approving the loan was their idea of how to fight back.
When Reframing Won’t Work, Get Direct
Not every situation calls for subtle influence. Sometimes men dismiss you because they think they can, and the only response is to show them they can’t.
Early in my career, some older male superiors saw me as nothing more than “a cute girl with a big smile.” When they’d demand irrelevant data just to test me, I learned to push back directly.
“I don’t care about that,” I’d say. “It doesn’t make any difference in the decision-making process.”
My manager used to say she wished there was a button to stop me, so I could learn to be more diplomatic. But those same managers became my biggest mentors. They saw my potential in part because I wouldn’t let anyone dismiss me.
Listen First, Then Make It About Them
The most effective influence isn’t manipulation—it’s understanding. Instead of pushing products at my banking clients, I listened to what they actually needed. Georgia was building a market economy from scratch, and my clients were creating new systems and products nobody had seen before. So I became their partner in problem-solving rather than just another banker trying to hit sales targets. When I developed new financial products, clients felt like it was their idea because it actually was; I was just responding to needs they’d expressed. They felt heard, understood, and prioritized, and I built trust and long-term relationships.
The Real Secret: Authenticity Over Manipulation
Getting men to listen isn’t really about tricking them into thinking your ideas are theirs. It’s about understanding what actually matters to them, then showing how your solution serves those values.
The credit committee was concerned about Georgia’s independence—I demonstrated how the loan supported that. My colleagues needed to see I couldn’t be pushed around—I demonstrated that. My clients needed financial partners—I became that partner.
Sometimes it meant reframing the conversation to align with their priorities. Sometimes it meant refusing to be diminished. Sometimes it meant listening until I understood what they really needed.
But it always meant being completely myself while I did it.
The men (and women!) who matter will respect your directness, value your insights, and remember your results. The ones who don’t? They were never going to listen anyway. So save your energy for the ones worth convincing. And when you find them, make sure they remember why your ideas work, whether they think they came up with them or not.