For high school students, the holidays can be a fraught time, especially as the college admission experience draws near. While what they want most is to take a break from school, decompress, and enjoy a good meal, they are inevitably peppered with questions from well-meaning family and friends at holiday gatherings. “Where are you applying?” “How did the SAT go?” “What is your ‘dream school’?”
This holiday season, do you want to be the cool aunt or the family friend who kids actually look forward to seeing? With a bit of restraint and the right alternative conversation starters, this is totally achievable. The challenge is that often adults just don’t know what to talk about with the young people in their lives. Instead, they default to easy targets, such as the impending admission process. To allow you to be the holiday hero, I asked college admission leaders (many who have kids in college or who will be soon) to share some potential substitutes to chat about over the cheese platter this season. Here is what they offered:
John Leach, the associate vice provost for enrollment and university financial aid at Emory University, simply suggests, “Leave the kid alone.” He adds, “There is a very good chance that the student is facing a hellish couple of weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. They are probably exhausted.” If you are going to engage, he says, ask them “’What do you want to do over spring break?’ or ‘ask me one question about my freshman year in college. All topics are in play.’” He jokes, you can always ask ‘What the hell does 6-7 mean to you?’”
James Nondorf, vice president and dean of admissions and financial aid at The University of Chicago, says, “Adults need to help kids focus on the positives and not stress them out more!” He recommends questions such as, “‘What have you enjoyed most during high school?’, ‘Tell me about your friends?’, or ‘What are you most excited to try or do in college?’” If you are going to talk about the admission process at all, he suggests asking, “Once all the craziness of applying to colleges is over for you, what are you going to do with all of your newfound time?” Nondorf tells students, “You should do something totally fun and relaxing before taking on the next big challenge.”
Whitney Soule, vice provost and dean of admissions at the University of Pennsylvania, recommends asking students, “’What are some fun things you’ve done with friends lately?’ or ‘What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?’” Or, she advises, just be direct and say, “What do you wish people would stop asking you about, and I will definitely not ask you that (and help shut it down if it comes up).” Adam Miller, vice president for admission and financial aid at Whitman College, adds, “I love asking high schoolers about everyday things like ‘What’s an app you use all the time that I’ve probably never heard of?’ or ‘Who’s a musical artist your friends like that I should check out?’” He says, “Those types of accessible questions can lead to more in-depth conversations that I end up learning a lot from.”
Emily Roper-Doten, dean of admissions at Brandeis University, suggests taking advantage of the season and the spirit of holiday gatherings. She says, “Help them reflect and express gratitude: ‘Who at this table or attending our holiday celebration has helped you recently and how?’, ‘Who at this table or attending our holiday celebration have you helped recently and how?’, or ‘What holiday tradition are you most excited to share with others or maybe recreate with your future college friends?’” She adds, “And let’s be honest, direct questions like this can be awkward, so they may be best asked while peeling veggies or while on a walk to cool down after the 5K holiday run.”
If you must ask about college, keep it more general. Gary Ross is the senior vice president for admission and financial aid at Colgate University. He suggests that instead of discussing the admission process, talk to young people about the experience of being in college with questions like: “‘Are there academic subjects that have not been offered in high school that you would enjoy trying out in college?’, ‘Do you hope to do undergraduate research independently or with a professor in the academic field that is of greatest interest to you?’, ‘What do you think are the most important elements of a successful college experience?’, or ‘Do you hope to have a roommate who is very similar to you or very different from you?’”
Chris Gruber, vice president and dean of admission and financial aid at Davidson College, agrees with this approach, suggesting adults ask, “Tell me something that you have learned about yourself during your college search?’, ‘Tell me one or two of your non-negotiables, that is something that the college you attend must have?’, or ‘What are you most looking forward to in college?’” Michael Stefanowicz, vice president for enrollment management at Landmark College, adds the question,“Has anything fun or funny happened during your visits to check out potential schools?” He points out that “Sometimes the side trip or the travel mishaps when visiting colleges provides some much-needed levity—and these stories are just as important!”
Sacha Thieme is the associate vice chancellor and executive director of admissions at Indiana University Bloomington. She encourages adults to “Think before we ask.” She says, “Would I want someone to pepper me with questions about my 1, 5, or 10-year plan for my life and then share all the reasons why that plan was wrong? Likely not.” She adds, “We hope others will take a genuine interest in our thoughts and ideas, some future-oriented and some very much present-day. Express an interest in the individual without an agenda for what you wish to know.” Thieme offers advice for three different approaches depending on how the young person in your life is feeling:
- “If you know a student is actively engaged in their college search, you could demonstrate genuine curiosity in their experience without limiting to the standard ‘What’s your major?’ questions.” Instead, ask, “What are you finding most interesting as you learn about the different schools, programs, experiences, etc.?”
- “If you have heard that someone is entirely overwhelmed with the admission process but is embracing their final year of high school, then stick closer to the present day, which can still offer insight into their thinking or planning. ‘What are your favorite classes this year?’ or ‘What experiences are you most looking forward to as a senior?’”
- “If you have heard the student is entirely overwhelmed with this being their final year of high school, then lean all the way into completely separate topics. ‘What is the funniest thing that happened recently?’, ‘What is your favorite movie or TV show of all time?’, ‘If you could have a superpower, what would it be and why?’, ‘If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?’, or ‘What is your go-to comfort food?’”
No matter what you ask of the young people in your life this holiday season, meet them where they are. Know the difference between intention and impact. While you may mean well and are genuinely curious about their lives and future plans, be socially aware and acknowledge that they may just need a break from small talk. If they want to discuss college plans, have faith that they will bring it up. If not, simply express interest in their lives and let them take the conversation in the direction they want. They will give thanks for that freedom.