Jo Ilfeld, PhD, CEO of Incite To Leadership, helps companies maintain momentum & competitive advantage through executive team performance.
Through discovery interviews, HR conversations and manager meetings, I often hear how thoughtful and attentive executives and upper-level managers are to those they work with and also how much gets lost in translation, conveyed in ways that can feel condescending, dismissive, “micro-managey” or untrusting. It’s hard to correctly walk the tightrope between business and personal concerns, between providing support and feedback, and between setting boundaries and showing kindness. So few of us do it well.
While there is no one-size-fits-all solution to toeing all these lines, here are five methods that have consistently helped my clients navigate the complexity of work relationships while showing that they care.
Dr. Jo’s Top 5 Ways To Demonstrate You Care To Co-Workers And Employees
1. Don’t rush your one-on-ones.
I know you’re busy, so this doesn’t have to be every time, but at least every few meetings, book a longer period of time with your direct reports and key stakeholders. If you usually meet for 30 minutes, try 45 or an hour.
Allow conversations to happen that wouldn’t rise to the surface when you’re rushed and checking the clock. Ask an open-ended question you don’t know the answer to. Then sit back and really listen. Allow time for pauses and silences. These can be the moments when people speak up about something they’ve debated mentioning. Trust me that you want to hear these things—and that you definitely won’t if you’re rushing through a packed agenda.
2. Be more specific about how you can help.
A standard management question is, “Is there any way I can be helpful?” This is a great start but often not specific enough, especially for newer leaders or the overly independent. It’s too easy for people to reply, “Not at the moment.” Instead, ask people what barriers they’re encountering, and talk them through one by one.
Then, when one department hasn’t produced necessary deliverables, you can offer to check in about what the holdup is. When a piece of code is proving hard to figure out, you might have a reference that’s been helpful in the past. If there’s a team collaboration issue, you likely have additional insights that can make the difference.
The vagueness of the “anything I can do?” inquiry often only surfaces things once they’ve become big problems. Better to put your finger on the scale where you can, before tiny nuisances balloon into true blockers.
3. Don’t neglect the personal.
I know some of you reading this are rolling your eyes. Work is work, and you don’t feel like it’s any of your business to ask people about what’s happening for them outside work. Yet, as much as we try, it’s impossible to split ourselves into two—our work and non-work selves. The two inevitably bleed into one another.
Believing you must compartmentalize and only discuss work leaves you with little understanding about the true barriers your colleagues are facing and hampers your ability to plan ahead well. Wouldn’t it be nice to know about a future parental leave six months ahead, rather than just three? Or a parent’s cancer diagnosis that could mean several last-minute trips?
Not only does knowing your colleagues better lead to helpful advance planning, but it also builds trust. Now someone isn’t “flaky”; they’re managing more than their share personally and deserve your compassion (and maybe your ability to cover for them). Very few of us can be the reliable workhorse day in and day out without unforeseen disruptions. When you’re there to help others navigate stressful life situations, they will usually return the favor in terms of engagement, communication and “taking one for the team” themselves.
And beyond the utilitarian perspective, I believe this contributes to the world we want to live in, one where we can buffer and support each other when it’s needed.
4. Say you’re sorry.
You messed up. You misread an email. You missed a key date. You didn’t double-check your work before sending it out. You cut and pasted the wrong customer data. It happens. To everyone. Even you.
And while there might be mitigating factors like the direct report who sent you bad data, your EA who sent out the wrong calendar invite (or didn’t send one at all) or the colleague who didn’t include you on an important email, the fact is that if you own the mistake and say you’re sorry, you can repair trust a lot faster than if you justify why that error wasn’t yours alone.
It’s best to just accept that you will have failures and that others around you will also have failures and to get better and recover quickly from mistakes. That’s resilience, and these days we all need more resilience built into our systems, so start with yourself.
5. Show up.
Whether it’s a baby shower on a weekend when you’d rather relax, an office happy hour when you’re exhausted or a brainstorming session to help a colleague, try to attend. Of course, it can’t always happen, but why not be the person who’s known to prioritize others? Don’t go too far and lose sight of your own needs, but try to be the person who creates good karma in the workplace and shows up for the team’s success, not just your own.
In his first book, Give and Take, Adam Grant’s research showed that high performers (those in the top quartile at work) were disproportionately “givers,” or people who help others by sharing knowledge, support and mentoring without expecting immediate returns. Teams with more givers also demonstrate significantly higher productivity and lower turnover—nice things to cultivate for your work team!
Pop Quiz
Which of these five methods do you struggle with the most? Start there. Even a 20% improvement will change your relationships at work, and if you’ve read this far, I know you care about those relationships. These are great starting points for indicating that to others.
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