We’ve all been there: in a leadership training session, a sales workshop, or a communications seminar, learning the undeniable power of open-ended questions. Most seasoned leaders intellectually grasp their importance. Yet, in practice, a significant gap often emerges between what we should be doing and what we’re actually doing. This disconnect is a silent saboteur of genuine inclusion and effective allyship.
Our brains are hardwired for certainty. When faced with a knowledge gap, our default is to fill it with assumptions based on what we think we already know. This innate tendency stifles curiosity and, critically, prevents us from asking the very questions that could bridge those gaps. Allies, however, consciously resist this default. They pivot to a curious mindset, intentionally peppering their interactions with open-ended questions to truly learn about their teams and foster deeper understanding.
Beyond the “Oulds”: The Art of Asking
Open-ended questions are typically characterized by their starting words: “what” or “how.” They rarely begin with helping verbs like “are,” “do,” “could,” “should,” or “would.” In fact, allies often steer clear of “ould” words altogether. These can often be perceived as condescending, disguising advice within a seemingly innocuous question. The golden rule of effective questioning is simple: never ask a question you already know the answer to, or one you’re not genuinely interested in hearing the response to. Doing so creates more harm than good, eroding trust and undermining your efforts at allyship.
Consider a simple exercise I use in my allyship programs: pairing individuals and asking one to draw a house, while the other asks questions to learn more about it. Even after instruction on the benefits of open-ended questions, most participants unfortunately default to closed-ended queries: “Is it a ranch? Does it have multiple stories? Are there trees?” These questions rarely provide enough detail to accurately visualize the house. In contrast, a few well-placed open-ended questions – “What type of house is it? How many stories does it have? What does the landscaping look like?” – typically provide enough context for a remarkably similar rendering.
The lesson is clear: open-ended questions promote clarity. Without clarity, allies risk being out of sync. You might genuinely be trying to help, but by asking assumption-based questions, you’re likely missing the mark, and potentially even reinforcing biases rather than fostering inclusion.
Listening to Learn: Your Allyship Compass
At its core, allyship is about asking questions and, more importantly, listening. When we speak, we often hear only what we already think we know. When we truly listen, however, we open ourselves up to learning something new, to uncovering perspectives we hadn’t considered. If you’re unsure which allyship role resonates most with you, start with asking questions.
I keep a few key questions in my back pocket as an ally. These aren’t meant to be a script, but rather a compass to navigate curious conversations when you feel stuck or unsure what to say or do. The key is to stay genuinely curious, even if just for a little longer, because on the other side of that curious conversation lies learning and growth.
Consider these:
- “What do you wish people at our organization understood about you?”
- “What are your career goals or aspirations?”
- “What are some barriers to those goals or aspirations?”
- “What does support look like for you?”
- “What is one thing that our organization could do to be more inclusive?”
Dave Moerlein, author of The Safety Effect, offers invaluable questions for leaders engaging with new team members. These demonstrate a proactive commitment to understanding and supporting new hires, fostering inclusion from day one:
- “What are your personal goals? What are your professional goals? How can I help you achieve them?”
- “What are three things you liked about your previous managers? What are three things you disliked about your previous managers?”
- “What are three things you liked about previous rules at this organization? What are three things you disliked about previous rules at this organization?”
- “What do you hope to learn from me?”
- “What do you hope to learn from the organization?”
- “What excites you most about this role?”
- “What else would you like me to know?”
Embracing Vulnerability for Deeper Connection
Now, think about your own team. What do you truly know about them beyond their job titles and tasks? What do you wish you knew? Take a page from Dave’s book. In your next one-on-one meeting, dedicate time to exploring their goals, aspirations, and even their expectations for you as a leader.
You might feel a pang of fear about what they might say. But consider this: if you’re afraid they might be thinking about these questions, it’s highly likely they already are. Asking invites them to share, opening the door for deeper connection and trust. Model vulnerability by sharing a bit about yourself in return.
This isn’t always comfortable. It might feel like doing it afraid. But the results – stronger relationships, deeper understanding, and a more genuinely inclusive environment where everyone feels seen and heard – are profoundly worth it. True allyship begins with the courage to ask and the humility to listen.
Asking open-ended questions is a crucial, yet often overlooked, skill for effective allyship and fostering genuine inclusion, helping to close the gap between assumptions and understanding. By actively listening and resisting the urge to fill in gaps with preconceived notions, individuals can build stronger connections and create more equitable workplaces where everyone feels truly seen and heard.