Tears streamed down my face as I looked into the eyes of my CPA. Although my therapy practice was generating over $2 million in annual revenue, low profit margins and poor financial boundaries had pushed me into a serious cash flow crisis. I was in deep financial distress and standing at the edge of closing the business I had built from the ground up. With compassion, he said, “Joyce, you’re not running a charity—you deserve to make a profit.”
That moment was a turning point. My business wasn’t failing; my mindset around money was. Years of people-pleasing, low self-worth and putting others first had left me emotionally, physically and financially depleted. I was a financial doormat. It was time to prioritize my worth and establish healthy money boundaries—both at work and at home.
Seven years later, I sold my practice in an eight-figure exit.
Financial transformation is possible, no matter where one starts. It begins by reclaiming self-worth and setting boundaries.
What Are Financial Boundaries?
Money boundaries are the limits individuals set with themselves and others around how they manage, share, earn and spend money. These boundaries impact every financial relationship in life.
Examples Of Key Financial Relationships
In your personal life, consider your your financial boundaries in relationships with your partner, roommate, children, parents, extended family members, service providers, and friends. Professionally, money boundaries can apply to relationships with employers, employees, vendors, clients, business partners, colleagues, advisors and more.
Reflecting on these relationships, consider:
- Are there negative emotions or conflicts related to money dynamics?
- Are there feelings of frustration, resentment or imbalance?
- Is it difficult to voice financial needs due to guilt, fear or conflict avoidance?
If so, it’s time to examine money boundaries—and discover how self-esteem is impacting them.
Doormat, Diva Or Dignified?
As clients make progress in therapy or coaching, their financial health often improves. That’s because financial behaviors are closely linked to self-esteem, as evidenced by a study published in Journal of Economic Psychology in September 2016. With increased self-worth, people tend to pursue opportunities more confidently, expand comfort zones, advocate and negotiate for worthy compensation, say no as needed and practice healthier financial decision-making.
However, most of us struggle with self-esteem at some point, making it something that requires ongoing care and attention. In my practice, I have noticed a continuum of self-esteem ranging from Doormat to Diva with Dignified (healthy self-esteem) in the middle. (Note: Diva, in this context, refers to grandiosity or entitlement—and is not gender-specific.)
Doormat:
- Feels inadequate to others
- Avoids assertive communication, is passive or passive-aggressive
- Allows financial boundaries to be compromised
- Under-earns and/or over-gives
- Experiences chronic financial strain
Example: One of my clients earns $750,000 per year but has no savings. Her sense of survivor’s guilt led her to loan large sums to family—including one member who defaulted on a $1 million obligation in her name.
Dignified:
- Calm and confident without arrogance
- Respectful to self and others, assertive
- Maintains clear, fair and healthy money boundaries
- Lives within means, saves and invests for the future
- Builds emotional and financial resilience
Diva:
- Inflated self-worth or grandiosity
- Aggressive and/or entitled, often faces interpersonal and financial conflict
- Disrespects others’ financial boundaries
- Overspends or overleverages
- Appears financially successful on the outside but deals with debt and financial challenges
Example: A physician couple I counseled lived far beyond their means to maintain a certain image. Their over-leveraged lifestyle created intense stress and marital conflict. After downsizing and realigning their values, their relationship and finances improved significantly.
People may shift between these three money personas in the context of different relationships or environments (i.e. home versus work). It takes self-awareness and emotional intelligence to fall in the Dignified range of the spectrum, which often requires introspection and inner-work.
When Financial Boundaries Become Critical
In over 25 years of clinical and coaching work, I observed several highly problematic boundary patterns repeatedly, particularly among women in caregiving or high-responsibility roles.
Lack Of Financial Literacy Or Transparency
Even highly educated individuals sometimes defer all financial decisions to a partner or advisor, creating a dangerous knowledge and power gap. A UBS March 2019 survey found that 58% of women globally defer long-term financial decisions to their spouses.
Financial Infidelity
This includes hidden debts/assets, secret spending, rerouting money or putting debt in another’s name without consent. A 2022 CreditCards.com poll found that nearly one-third of partnered U.S. adults admit to committing financial infidelity. Financial infidelity is especially common during separation or divorce.
Financial Abuse
This occurs when someone uses money to exert control over another person. It can happen between partners, employers and employees, caretakers and elders or even parents and adult children. According to this 2022 BMC Public Health study, financial abuse is more common in financially dependent relationships and extremely common in cases of domestic violence. Examples include financial gaslighting, shaming, put-downs, bullying and pressure. Financial abuse may also include withholding of resources such as access to cash, bank accounts, credit cards, financial statements, transportation or property.
Financial Codependency
This involves self-sacrificing financial support for someone struggling with addiction, mental health issues or “failure to launch.” It may involve enabling behaviors that also keep the other person from growing. Over-giving can result in personal financial harm, enabling patterns and burnout.
Imbalanced Caregiving Responsibilities
This occurs when one person carries more than their fair share of care and financial support for dependents. A 2023 New York Life Wealth Watch survey found that nearly half of the “sandwich generation” struggles to meet essential expenses due to caregiving responsibilities—most often women.
If any of these resonate, change is possible and it is necessary.
How To Build Healthy Money Boundaries
- Get to the root: Work with a therapist to heal trauma, increase self-worth and identify patterns of financial self-sabotage. Consider trauma-informed financial coaching or attending Underearners Anonymous, Spenders Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, CODA or Al-Anon.
- Promote financial literacy: Take a personal or business finance course, listen to money podcasts and read personal finance books to promote a sense of financial confidence and empowerment.
- Take an active role: Step into action and become fiscally conscious and responsible. Engage in honest conversations in financial relationships with others.
- Learn assertive communication: Financial boundary setting requires honest and respectful dialogue. Practice direct language in a non-threatening relationship (i.e. role play with an accountability partner) to build comfort and confidence.
- Create a financial plan: Work with a financial advisor or use online tools to create a realistic budget, plan with goals and wealth-building strategy. A Fidelity Women & Investing Study (October 2023) found that women who work with a financial advisor report higher levels of confidence and financial well-being.
- Detach with compassion: Not everyone will respond positively to new boundaries. That’s okay. It will take some time for everyone to adjust.
Final Thought
Financial wellbeing isn’t just about dollars. It is about honoring oneself and others and setting money boundaries in a way that is rooted in compassion and respect.