It’s common knowledge that some adult children are in long standing conflict with a difficult aging parent. Years can go by. Estrangement is the result. There is no communication at all. Then, as the parent ages, it comes to the attention of the adult child that the parent is in failing health, or has dementia, or is otherwise very vulnerable. The matter can be extreme: would the adult child allow the elder to become homeless? If they elder can’t care for himself or herself, would the adult child ignore this reality?
Different Opinions
For some adult children we see for advice at AgingParents.com, there is so much anger over past mistreatment or abuse by the parent, the adult child does not feel any obligation to help. They are okay with allowing the parent to become a “ward” of their state and wash their hands of taking any responsibility. For others, guilt is stronger than anger and they do step in. What we observe is that most are willing to forgive or overlook the past and do what they see as the right thing: they take on the task of trying to keep their difficult aging parent safe.
A Real Life Example
Only daughter (OD) of her aging. mother (AM) leaarned from her mother’s neighbor that AM might be in trouble. The neighbor saw AM go out to the porch every evening, talking to herself and acting “wacky” as the neighbor put it. But she knew that AM was alone. She did not see her for several days. She had OD’s contact information, given to her years before when AM was, well, not so wacky. She called OD, who lived in a neighboring state and told her that she was concerned about AM, as she had not seen her for days and when she had gone next door and knocked, there was no answer. AM had not answered her phone either. Did OD want to come and find out what was happening?
Decision Time
OD truly disliked her mother. AM’s apparent mental illness was not a new thing in OD’s life. OD described that her mother had abused and neglected her throughout her growing up and she wanted nothing to do with her. But she recognized that AM probably had no one to look in on her. AM’s brother was supposed to see to her well being. OD called her uncle, from whom she was also estranged. He was traveling and told OD not to worry about AM, she was fine. Maybe she had taken a trip out of town. From what OD knew of her mother, that was impossible. It looked like an excuse by AM’s brother to be irresponsible. Disgusted and feeling pangs of guilt, OD, decided to drive to AM’s house to see what was going on.
Finding Out The Worst
When OD arrived at her mother’s home, she found the door locked and no one answered the phone. She decided to ask the local police to do a welfare check, meaning that they had permission to enter the home to determine the status of an elder who would not be reached otherwise. The police arrived and broke the lock on the front door, entered the house and called out AM’s name. There was no response. They saw that the back bedroom door was closed. It was also locked. They broke open that lock also. The sight of AM was shocking. She was not dressed, and was lying in filth. She was severely emaciated, as if she had not eaten in some time. They called an ambulance and she was rushed to the hospital. Her condition was such that her survival was unlikely.
The Aftermath
OD had a swirling mix of emotions in dealing with what had happened. A dark part of her thought: “After all she did to me, this serves her right!” A different part of her thought she should have forgiven her mother sooner, demanded that her uncle keep her informed and that she should have at least kept track of her mother’s basic safety. That triggered guilt that she had let her own emotions keep her from doing things differently. In the end, at least her mother did have someone to speak for her during her hospitalization and final days.
If You Had Childhood Abuse Or Neglect From A Parent, What Would You Do When Their Health Failed?
No one who has suffered through bad parenting comes to a decision easily if the abusive aging parent is in failing health. If one pays no attention at all, regardless of the age or condition of the parent, that elder could come to a dreadful end, as AM did. On the other hand, we have seen and advised adult children who decided to give up being angry at their elder and step in to help when the aging parent was in danger. It is a very personal decision. Mental illness in a parent, such as AM had, is all too common. It deeply affects their children and those relationships for life. No one can decide for anyone else whether to take on the burden of getting involved with an elder you seriously dislike or even hate.
The Takeaways
In our work, offering advice and strategy to families of elders, we have seen this situation go both ways. No help, or offering and providing help are the choices. Our observation is that even when estranged for many years, the adult child who chooses to step in and assist in some way never regrets doing so. If you have an aging parent now, whom you seriously dislike, there are a few basics you can choose to use or not.
1. Get and maintain the aging parent’s contact information.
2. Learn whether they have appointed anyone on their legal documents to manage finances and health care decisions in the event of loss of independence in those areas.
3. If no one is appointed, or no one competent is doing the job, consider the possible option of guardianship (called conservatorship in CA). Even if this option is unappealing to you, counties do provide what is called “public guardians” or equivalent who do the job of overseeing a person who is considered gravely disabled. The elder must be determined to be a danger to one’s self or others. But someone has to initiate the process to seek guardianship even if one does not want to be the appointed guardian.
4. Reporting to Adult Protective Services or equivalent in your state is a first step. That is a choice to try to prevent the condition in which the police found AM in this true story. Despite the complex emotions involved, being humane was worth the effort OD made toward her mother at the end.