3 Things Not To Say When You Want A Referral (Say This Instead)

A strong resume can open doors, but it’s not the only way in. Knowing how to ask for a referral can give you a real edge. In fact, 84% of companies surveyed by Aptitude Research say employee referrals are the best way to find talent at the lowest cost.

Everyone wants to believe they can do everything on their own, but in reality, sometimes a little support goes a long way. If you want your resume seen by the right people, getting a recommendation from someone you know is a good place to start.

The tricky part? Asking without making it awkward. Here are three things to never say and three better ways to ask.

“Can You Refer Me?” (Right Out The Gate)

When you don’t know someone or haven’t built any sort of relationship, asking directly for a referral or an intro to a hiring manager is a quick way to get ghosted. It’s a red flag, kind of like proposing on a first date. Bold moves have their time and place, but this isn’t one of them.

This is where reciprocity comes in. It’s the foundation of good networking: taking the time to build a relationship before asking for help. When you show genuine interest, offer support, or simply make a thoughtful connection, people are far more likely to want to help you down the line. Skipping straight to the ask means they don’t understand who you are or what you bring. And that makes it hard to vouch for you.

When someone refers you, they’re putting their name on the line. If the person they refer turns out to be unqualified or not a good fit, it reflects on them. That’s why referrals are usually reserved for people they’ve actually gotten to know and trust.

So instead of going straight in with a favor, try something that opens up the conversation. For example: “What has your experience been working at [Company]?” This helps you build rapport, learn more about the role and the culture, and show that you’re genuinely interested. And when the connection feels real, a referral might come naturally without you even needing to push for it.

“What Don’t You Like About Working There?”

This question puts them in an awkward spot. You’re asking for help, so leading with a negative sets the wrong tone. Even if you’re just trying to get the full picture, asking “What don’t you like about working there?” can come off as nosy, suspicious, or even a little aggressive, especially if the person barely knows you.

This is backed up by psychological research: studies on framing effects show that the way you ask a question has a big effect on how people answer and how they feel about you. When you ask someone negative questions, like what they don’t like, they are more likely to get defensive and feel uncomfortable, especially in early interactions.

On top of that, asking them to speak critically about their employer when they don’t know where you’re coming from can feel risky or uncomfortable. Most people won’t go there. You’re more likely to get a vague reply or no response at all.

Instead, try a more thoughtful question that still gives you insight: “How does this company compare to your last one?” It invites them to reflect and share their experience in a more balanced way. You get a better sense of the culture, and the conversation feels more natural, making it easier for them to consider helping you later on.

“Is There Anything I Can Help You With?”

This is a good start, but it’s too vague. While it might seem thoughtful in the moment, it leaves the other person guessing what you mean or how to respond. Now they have to figure out what you’re good at, what kind of help you can offer, and whether it’s worth the effort to figure all that out. Most won’t bother. It’s not that they don’t want to give you a chance. It’s just harder to say yes when there’s no clear next step.

You’re better off making a specific offer. Be clear about the opportunity you’re looking at and the kind of support you need. Make it easy for them to assess how they can help by sharing your resume, the job posting, or a quick overview of your experience. It’s like saying, “Here’s how I can help” instead of “Let me know if I can help.”

And if you don’t know them well, don’t overdo it. Something as simple as: “I saw you’re working on [X project]. I actually have experience in [Y]. Let me know if that’s helpful.” can be more than enough. It’s specific, low-pressure, and shows you’re paying attention.

Asking for a referral doesn’t have to be awkward. A little thoughtfulness goes a long way. When your message is clear and grounded in curiosity, people are far more likely to engage and even eager to help. You’ve got this!