“If you were listening to my music three years ago, odds are you were making some pretty significant life changes. We all went through some really big stuff together.”
Singer/songwriter Maddie Zahm, the former American Idol contestant whose music subsequently went viral on social platforms, is reflecting on the hailstorm of life changes she’s experienced in recent years. Those include her decision to leave her role as a youth leader in the Christian church in her hometown of Boise, Idaho, come out as queer and lose nearly 200 pounds as a result of gastric sleeve surgery.
Amplifying those evolutions has been her decision to share her experiences in real time both through music and direct interaction with fans. From revealing a then new diagnosis of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) to the television audience during her run on season 16 of the competition series to pouring out songs of deep self-discovery and acceptance, Zahm says she really knows no other way than to bring others along on her journey. She titled her 2022 EP after her song You May Not Like Her and followed it up in 2023 with the album Now That I’ve Been Honest.
The result has been an intrinsically connected and growing fan community—”I firmly believe it is deeper than a typical artist relationship,” she says—and some growing pains.
“A lot of people have been so invested in my journey and it was intertwined with their own journey. It’s a lot of pressure to know what I and my music mean to people,” Zahm says. “It scared me. I don’t want to let them down, but I am human.”
At the age of 27, she’s already unlocked a key to life. “The biggest thing I have done is allowed other people to disagree with how my personal journey goes and let go of the idea that I have to be the perfect example of coming out, losing weight, all that stuff. There are going to be people who are not going to agree with my journey, and it would be impossible for me to make everyone happy. It’s allowing people to be disappointed in me.”
Mostly, Zahm says, her community has helped lift her as she finds her wings. In fact, the artist says had she not released and gotten such positive response to her song Fat Funny Friend, “I don’t think I would’ve come out of the closet. With that song online, the body positive community, the plus-size community scooped me up with open arms and loved the shit out of me. And I thought, If being honest led me to all of these folks, then what am I to do other than also share about my queer journey.”
Because she’d been so entrenched in the church, Zahm knew embracing her queer identity would be difficult for some to comprehend. True to form, she returned home to Boise to embrace the discourse. “It was important that I had hard conversations with people,” she says. “I told my management at the time, If I’m going to come out, I need to tell these people in person. I have the capacity to do that. These relationships with people in the church were really deep and I knew it was going to be really hard for people,” she says.
“I remember talking with my therapist and saying it’s so interesting because I adore them and they adore me. They thought they couldn’t love a gay person, but they already do. So I sat with them, allowed them to ask questions. Some of them aren’t in my life anymore and very much disagree and that’s been heartbreaking because I really thought I had built a foundation that was strong enough for that not to be a negotiable, but I also have had people come around and some people have come out to me.”
“From an expansive perspective, the people I was introduced to some of the greatest people I’ve ever met,” she says. “Half of my friends are in the queer community and most of them I found after coming out. I’m so grateful for the joy that is the queer community and without a doubt I think I’ve become a better person because of. I’ve really seen what deep friendship is.”
Zahm is also, quite literally, getting more comfortable in her own skin. She’s lost nearly half her body weight since getting a gastric sleeve four years ago, a decision she made largely because of some of the health issues she was dealing with.
“I’ve worked so hard to make it a neutral thing, because I don’t believe my life is any better or any worse because of weight loss,” she says. “Had I figured out how to control my PCOS without surgery I believe now with the internal work I’ve done, I would’ve gone to a place where I would’ve loved my plus-size body but at the time that felt like the answer.”
While she understood the process of having the procedure, Zahm says there’s a part of her that was—and still is—shocked about the degree of weight loss. “Weight loss is really disorienting and complex, and I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about it. I think I’m more insecure about my body now than I was when I was plus size.”
Several months in, she says, “I was losing more weight than I originally anticipated, and I didn’t really know how to exist in a non-plus-size body. And I started seeing a very different societal treatment, people finding way more humanity for me than before I got the surgery. And I was angry about it. That’s where Fat Funny Friend came from.”
Zahm says almost didn’t release the song. “I know how long it takes to release music and my body was changing at such a rapid speed and thought, I don’t know if I’m the right person to sing Fat Funny Friend. So I told myself I’ll post it once and see what happens and at that point I was still in a plus size body.”
Turns out she was, in fact, just the right person to embrace the spectrum of body positivity and share her experience in song. “And it parallels with my sexuality. I’m now realizing its more of a spectrum. It’s so great and interesting that communities are allowing me to live in this grey area of figuring out what my life is.”
With new music percolating—beginning with anthemic breakup bop Sheets—Zahm says, “It’s been interesting to realize songs that are not as deeply tied to my trauma. To realize I’m going to date a girl and get my heart broken and write a song about it.”
Mind Reading (formerly Hollywood & Mind) is a recurring column that features interviews with musicians, actors, athletes, creators and other culture influencers who are elevating conversation and action around mental health, and breaking stigma.