Mother’s Day often conjures idyllic images of breakfast in bed, handmade cards and flower bouquets. But the holiday is complicated for a lot of families – those unable to conceive, someone without a positive relationship with their own mother or non-traditional families. For single and solo mothers, like myself, the challenge is that planning your own Mother’s Day instead of having a partner arrange a celebration can feel like one more task on an already too-long to-do list of work and household responsibilities. But opting out of the holiday entirely might feel like a missed opportunity to commemorate the extraordinary journey of motherhood.
In the US, approximately 21% of mothers are single moms. Solo mothers still range in their circumstances and experiences, but more often than not, they shoulder a lot of responsibility. We handle school drop-offs and pick-ups, navigate tantrums and triumphs and shoulder the weight of major decisions, all while typically financially supporting the household. According to the Insure.com 2023 Mother’s Day Index, the tasks that moms perform at home would be equivalent to an annual salary of $133,440 in the professional world. Recognizing this immense effort is the first step in celebrating Mother’s Day. Then, disregard the ideas of what the holiday should look like and instead decide what you want – or need – for the day.
Taking Time Alone For Mother’s Day
This year, I’m treating myself to a solo sleep-cation at Omni La Costa, a local resort, for some much-needed downtime. While the self-care for moms has been commercialized into selling bath bombs and face masks, for me nothing beats rest to help me feel like the best mom – and person – I can be. Juggling work and family as a single mom doesn’t leave me much time for myself, so a quiet night before the holiday is just what I need to show up with gratitude and joy on Mother’s Day. Often, solo mothers are so focused on the needs of their children that their own well-being takes a backseat. Mother’s Day is the perfect occasion to intentionally carve out time for yourself.
Erika Wasserman, a mom of three, has been divorced for 13 years and finds the holiday to be a tough day. She recounts in an email interview, “For years, especially after preschool and the school made gifts stopped coming home, it was a really a hard day for me to see all these other moms being spoiled by their families, yet I was the one still getting up to make breakfast, plan the day, pay the dinner bill and yet my kids were still fighting, wanting things and have needs to be met that all fell to me.”
Some years, she would ask her children’s father to keep them for Mother’s Day while she had a quiet day at the beach reading a book. Now that her daughters are teenagers, it is a little different. Wasserman shares, “They are old enough to recognize the day, some years they do make me breakfast in bed, or when they remember to write a card, but most years it’s just another day in our house. I do my best to shift my mindset on those day to smile and grateful for what I have, not to be jealous of what I am seeing on social media and know one day my girls will be mothers and they will look back and know how much I loved them, did for them and put them first. That love doesn’t have to come on a certain day. It comes in little moments throughout their lives.”
Don’t Wait To Be Celebrated On Mother’s Day
Dorcy Pruter, founder of the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute, has been a solo mom for over 22 years, raising two daughters. She recalls in an email interview that Mother’s Day has been everything from gut-wrenchingly lonely to wildly empowering over the years. Pruter’s takeaway is, “Don’t wait for permission to be celebrated. As solo moms, we often hold the emotional and logistical weight of the whole household. If there’s no partner planning a breakfast-in-bed moment, you get to be the one to initiate your own ritual of celebration. I’ve taught moms to create a Sacred Self Day, whether that’s a hike, a ceremony or just guilt-free silence and sunshine.”
Even young children can understand that Mother’s Day is a special day, and while little kids may not be able to make you breakfast in bed (nor, perhaps, would you want them to!), they can often participate in other ways. But it’s best not to put too high of expectations on small children who may get distracted while drawing you a handmade card or turn cleaning the floor into a broomstick sword fight.
If you’re hoping for a present that you didn’t pick out for yourself, there are plenty of companies that can surprise you with a curated gift. The Free Spirit Bundle, for example, sends you a collection of eclectic home decor options, with thoughtful wrapping for the experience of opening a beautiful present and the thrill of the unboxing. For apparel, StitchFix has specially trained M.O.M. (Milestones of Motherhood) stylists who can personalize a package of clothes and accessories.
It’s Okay Not To Celebrate Mother’s Day
For Lakia Holmes, a Single Mom By Choice (SMBC), since her daughter Isla’s birthday is around Mother’s Day, she plans to spend the second Sunday in May throwing her a birthday party. She shared in an email interview, “Knowing all I put my body through to have a baby and the sacrifices made to bring Isla into the world makes Mother’s Day extra special to me. The day celebrates how strong I was in the face of infertility and that I didn’t let it stop me from fulfilling my dream of being a mom.”
According to a National Retail Federation report, eighty-four percent of U.S. adults are expected to celebrate Mother’s Day. On average, those celebrating plan to spend $254.04 on gifts and celebrations. It is more than okay to decide to skip the financial impact and mental burden of celebrating the holiday and instead focus on other priorities.
Motherhood is complex and there is no shame in having complicated feelings on Mother’s Day. Consider spending part of the day with people who understand and appreciate your journey. Shared experiences and mutual support can be incredibly uplifting. Social media often presents an idealized version of Mother’s Day; resist the urge to compare your celebration to others. Your journey is one-of-a-kind and your holiday can reflect that.