How The Stories We Tell Ourselves Affect Our Conversation Behaviors

As discussed in a previous column, it’s possible to speak assertively without being an assertive person.

Jefferson Fisher, author of The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, offers wise and surprisingly easy-to-follow counsel on how to make a point without making an enemy.

Consider his advice on managing our communication behaviors that are spawned by the stories we tell ourselves. He says we should double-check our stories for accuracy and even reasonableness.

“How often you take something personally is a direct reflection of how much grace you give other people,” he says. “One question to ask yourself is ‘Is this fact, or interpretation?’ Are they really not responding to your text within five minutes because they’re ignoring you? Or are they occupied with their own busy life? Another question is ‘Am I responding to the present moment, or am I responding to a past experience?’ We all have our own past traumas that make us more sensitive or fearful of present moments. These questions will help you double-check whether the conversation in your head is overriding your conversation with the person in front of you.”

What kind of internal filters affect our conversations, and how can we become more aware of—and take into account—their effect?

“The number one way to be more aware of the levers in the conversation is to become familiar with your own personal triggers,” Fisher says.”When you know the ‘why’ behind certain words or ideas that upset you or put you on the defensive, you’ll become more aware of the dynamics at play in the conversation and keep yourself from entering your fight or flight. The best way to understand your own triggers is to write out the things you’d be afraid to lose—I’m not talking about people or places—like your reputation, your status, or the idea of being right.”

Fisher says one of the best ways for people to become aware of their blind spots is to request honest feedback—like “What’s one thing you wish I did better in conversations?” or “What are my triggers in conversation?” or “Where do I tend to go off the rails in communication?” And listen without getting defensive. “Blind spots are called that for a reason,” he says. “You need others to help you see them.”

Questions play a critical role in advancing a conversation to a productive conclusion, Fisher says. “Questions keep the conversation moving forward and show you’re engaged. Questions keep you in ‘student’ mode and signal to the other person that you’re hearing value in what they’re saying. Questions also shift the focus from argument to exploration. A well-timed ‘What are your thoughts?’ can turn conflict into collaboration.”

Of course, some people may be uninterested in engagement and want only to promote a single viewpoint. In a case like that, Fisher recommends beginning your response with, “I can see”—as in, “I can see where you’re coming from,” or “I can see why it would make you feel that way,” or, “I can see why that would upset you.” Using a phrase like that, he says, signals that you’re willing to see things from the other person’s perspective, which they likely won’t be expecting. When people feel heard, Fisher says, they are more inclined to hear someone else.

Have you ever had a conversation that simply went awry and you wish you could replay it at a different speed or tone or volume? Fisher offers advice on how to initiate a “do-over” for conversations that didn’t go well.

“Own it as soon as you can,” he says. “Say something like, ‘I’ve been thinking about our last conversation, and I don’t feel good about how I handled it. Can we try again?’ Or, ‘About yesterday’s talk. I could have done better.’ Vulnerability like that can reset the tone and rebuild trust, and you’ll be surprised at the doors it’ll open up for fresh beginnings.”

Sometimes, Fisher says, disagreement can actually strengthen a friendship.

“Surface level friendships are built on the back of surface level conversations,” he says. “If you want a deep relationship, you have to have difficult conversations. Disagreement, when handled with respect, shows that the relationship can withstand differences. It can withstand the hard. It shows the two of you that there is strength in the bond. It deepens trust because it proves you can be honest with each other without fear of losing the connection. Tough talks are where real connection happens.”

Fisher offers four “rules” for maintaining healthy relationships with people of opposing viewpoints:

1. Have something to learn, not something to prove.
2. Avoid personal attacks—criticize ideas, not people.
3. Find connection. Understand and acknowledge, especially when you disagree.
4. Be willing to agree to disagree without resentment. Resenting someone for not choosing your viewpoint is a dead-end road.

Arguments, Fisher says, are not something to win, they’re something to unravel. Instead of pulling in different directions, “have the patience and discipline to find the knot.”