Of all the skills one can acquire in life, the ability to talk effectively with other humans is among the most important. Trouble is, many people take it for granted.
George Bernard Shaw nailed it when he said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Jefferson Fisher doesn’t take communication for granted.
He’s a successful Texas attorney, specializing in personal injury. But his passion—you can call it a gift—is helping people enjoy good relationships.
Three years ago, he started making short videos of his practical communication tips. The goal was to help people argue less and talk more. These were not fancy studio productions in front of a teleprompter. He recorded them on his phone while sitting in his car between hearings or after work. He posted them online. Would anyone even notice? Oh, yes! More than he ever imagined. Today he has millions—yes, millions—of followers.
With a podcast and a busy speaking schedule, Fisher’s reach continues to grow. And now his first book is launched. It’s titled The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More.
With so many resources already available on communication skills, to what does Fisher attribute such a groundswell of response?
“People are hungry for quick, actionable advice that doesn’t feel like it’s from a textbook,” he says. “They’re hungry for something that’s real. What resonates in my videos is the simplicity—three clear points, no fluff, and a focus on exactly the words to use. The clips are easy to digest. They also give the viewer the sense of ‘Hey, I can do that.’ And the coolest part is, they actually can.”
Fisher says it’s not necessary to be an assertive person to speak assertively. To many people, that may seem counterintuitive.
“The words do it for you,” he explains. “If I were to answer someone and say, ‘I’m confident about it,’ rather than ‘I believe so,’ I’d naturally sound more confident. It’s far less about personality and far more about word choice. You don’t have to change your identity. You only have to change what you say next.”
So where do some people get the notion that every tough conversation has to have a winner and a loser?
“It’s frankly all they’ve known,” Fisher says. “It’s what they’ve come to expect. Most of us are very competitive, so it’s a natural desire. Beneath, though, it’s a mindset rooted in fear—fear of being wrong, fear of losing control, fear of vulnerability. But tough conversations aren’t competitions. They’re opportunities to connect. The deeper relationships yo uwant to have with some, the deeper tolerance you must have for difficult conversations.”
What role do social media and TV talking heads play in people’s approach to tough conversations?
“They amplify division by rewarding extremes,” Fisher says. “Newst outlets, talking heads, clickbait headlines—they thrive on soundbites and outrage to grab attention. And it works. But that’s where it stops. It’s hollow, with nothing left for you to learn or acknowledge. This kind of ‘communicatin’ doesn’t set a good example of what meaningful discussion should like or sound like. As a result, we prioritize clapbacks and cutting words to defeat an opponent, missing opportunities to better understand each other.”
How can people develop the skills of listening to learn rather than listening to rebut or justify?
Fisher suggests: “Ask yourself, ‘What can I learn here?’ when you hear someone start talking. It will help you listen to understand rather than listening only to respond. Also, ask at least one or two questions bvefor eyou give a reply. It’s a great habit. Use phrases like, ‘Tell me more about that’ or ‘What else do you think?’ It builds in time for you to not only formulate your words, but also hear out the other person’s struggle. Argument are a window into another person’s struggle.”
Appreciative inquiry is clerly one of the keys to building conversational capacity. Fisher offers tips for genuinely inquiring into views that conflict with your own.
“First, don’t begin your question with ‘Why?’ It’s come across more adversarial tshan you’ll want it to, like ‘Why do you think that?’ All they hear is that you don’t agree with them, or at least tht you think they’re wrong. Using ‘why’ makes people defensive. Instead, begin your questions with ‘How,’ ‘What,’ ‘Where,’ or ‘When.’ For example, ‘How did you learn that?’ or ‘What led to that decisions?’ or ‘Where did ykou come across that?’ or ‘When did you come to believe that?’”
Why do smart and caring people sometimes find it so difficult to disagree without being disagreeable?
“They’re afraid to disappoint the other person,” Fisher says. “They want to be liked, and that makes disagreeing less comfortable. It doesn’t have to be that way. In fact, being direct in your disagreement is smart and caring. An easy, go-to phrase for anyone needing to disagree is ‘I see it differently.’ Here you’re detaching from the personal—as in ‘I disagree with you’—and using words that signal perspectives. It works every time.”
Next: How The Stories We Tell Ourselves Affect Our Conversation Behaviors