How To Look For All The Possibilities To Be Successful In Conflict

In the face of truly competing needs and the polarizing conflicts on both local and global scales, it’s become incredibly difficult to bring people together in most situations. But in a recent conversation, William Ury, expert negotiator and author of Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict, describes several approaches to help us navigate conflict skillfully and achieve the best resolution for all parties.

Operate From Your Most Effective Zone

The biggest obstacle to getting what you want in a conflict is not your difficult opponent, Ury says. Rather, it’s “our own very human, very natural tendency to react, to act without thinking, to act out of fear, out of anger.” He explains: “In conflict, we tend to get hyperactivated with fear and anxiety; or, after a while, we burn out and we get hypoactivated, which is despair and depression. We’re at our most effective in that optimal zone which psychologists call the ‘window of tolerance,’ where we feel the emotions but we’re in control of our own emotions rather than our emotions being in control of us. That is the most effective place to be when it comes to dealing with conflicts, organizational conflicts, interpersonal conflicts, conflicts of any kind.”

When we’re outside our window of tolerance, we can’t think well, which makes it difficult to respond creatively and generate pertinent alternatives. Ury notes that we’re all subject to a lot of stress, which tends to over-activate us and then burn us out. When negotiations are difficult, he suggests taking time to breathe or even asking for a moment of silence so everyone can calm themselves. Once we’ve stabilized, we can consider which resources we need to motivate ourselves to refocus, including exercise, being in nature or reaching out to a friend. These kinds of interventions permit us to return to our window of tolerance.

Get The Right People’s Opinions In The Room

Stakeholders who are not at the table are “often the ones who actually control or can block any agreement made at the table,” Ury warns. If people are not involved in the decision-making process, then no matter what their actual interests are, they may block a resolution simply because they weren’t involved in creating it.

“Negotiation is not just about reaching agreements, it’s about getting to an agreement that gets implemented,” he notes. Even if you think you’ve drafted a great resolution and gotten agreement from your colleagues around the negotiating table, when you return to your respective sides, you may find out about other considerations that weren’t addressed.

“If you have resistance or people not understanding, or there’s no buy-in, or we drag the implementation out for a long time, it will never happen at all,” says Ury. “And so that initial phase of getting buy-in actually makes it go much faster.”

Be A Persuasive And Empathetic Listener

It’s surprising how often you don’t actually have to fix the problems that people bring to you. If they see that their views and concerns are included, you may still be able to get them to agree to what you want to do. By practicing empathetic listening, says Ury, you can find “the cheapest concession you can make. It signals empathy. It signals respect. It says, ‘I hear you, even if I can’t fix your problem.’” No matter how things go, he adds, “Acknowledge how hard it is, and then ask, ‘Okay, what can we do to move forward here?’”

Most participants in a conflict view the other participants as adversaries, but “it’s in your interest to put yourself in the other person’s shoes because negotiation is an exercise in influence,” Ury notes. “You’re trying to change someone’s mind. How could you possibly change someone’s mind or their heart if you don’t know where they are?”

Manage Power Imbalances

In conflicts where someone has more hierarchical power or authority than we do, we’re likely to operate at a disadvantage. Ury’s advice for dealing with power asymmetry is to “prepare, prepare, prepare: really think about what you want, but also think about what they want.” For example, Ury suggests “trying to write your opponent or boss’s victory speech as a thought experiment to understand what that person needs to accomplish to feel successful. That person wants to be a hero. They want to look good to their boss, to their board of directors, to their shareholders”—just as you want to look good to your constituents.

Ury recommends getting ready for negotiations by considering, “What are their three key talking points? What’s the push-back they’re gonna get? What’s the best counterargument they could deliver?” By thinking through what the other participants are trying to accomplish, you can be more creative and targeted in the way you make your case and the options you present.

This exercise also helps you identify your best alternative actions if you don’t get the negotiated agreement you want. When you’ve identified your best alternative, Ury points out, “it gives you more confidence. You’re actually more likely to negotiate in a way that you’re likely to get what you want.” He explains: “You’ve got to be flexible and opportunistic to see, ‘Oh, there’s a barrier; there’s a block here.’ If I just hit the block, I’m just gonna keep on hitting that block—not gonna go anywhere.”

Also consider how else to gather some additional power for your side. Ury suggests coalition building or finding allies who can help educate the person in power and show them your strength in numbers.

Be A Possibilist

When it comes to negotiating conflicts, Ury describes himself as a “possibilist” rather than an optimist or pessimist. Having helped people resolve boardroom battles, labor strikes and even end civil wars, he recommends three stances to encourage reluctant participants see the possibilities: meet animosity with curiosity, apply your natural creativity and unleash your instinctive collaborativeness. “The choice isn’t about ending conflict,” he says. “It’s about transforming it from the destructive form of these vicious fights that go nowhere, where everybody ends up losing arguments, to constructive listening, dialog, conversation, negotiation and joint problem-solving. That’s the real opportunity and that’s the message: always keep on looking for the possibilities.”

It takes self-awareness, inclusiveness and empathy as well as savvy to advance your interests in a conflict: Sometimes ensuring that the other side gets what it wants makes it more likely that you’ll get your desired outcome too.