5 Outdated Beliefs About Self-Confidence That Are Due For An Update

We’re often told that, when it comes to self-confidence, we should “fake it ‘till you make it.” And while research is absolutely clear that self-confidence impacts others’ view of our leadership ability, our understanding of what confidence actually looks like is due for an update. In my experience as a startup founder and a mentor, simply speaking with conviction, presence, and self-belief is no longer compelling in itself. When pitching investors who are judging everything from my business plan, to my team, to my outfit, it’s difficult and often distracting to try to project perfection… Instead, speaking candidly about challenges and acknowledging nerves does more to convey competence and maturity.

Instead of trying to project confidence I’ve found more success focusing on building real connections and helping others. Here are five ways in which our conventional methods of projecting self-confidence need an update, according to barrier-breaking women leaders in sports, entertainment, apparel, academia, and tech.

You don’t need confidence to take risks; you need to take risks to build confidence

“My husband described me once as a risk-taker who lacks confidence,” explained Erika James, the first Black and female dean at The Wharton School of Business. She built confidence over time by taking on greater and greater challenges at each stage in her career. “Five years ago, ten years ago, there’s no way I would have assumed that I would be [the dean] at Wharton,” she shared at an alumni event. “My confidence has evolved over the years.”

Taking one little risk–and accruing one win– at a time adds up. Asking an executive you admire to coffee, pitching your idea at a meeting, or asking for a promotion all build authentic confidence. It’s time to replace “fake it till you make it” with “build as you go.”

Confidence comes from helping others

For Whitney Wolfe Heard, founder/CEO of dating app Bumble and the youngest woman to IPO a company in the U.S., confidence comes from looking outside yourself to find ways to be of service. “How can you take something that breaks your heart, and build a solution out of that?” Heard asked, of her decision to leave her job at Tinder to start Bumble after making public allegations of sexual harassment at the company. “You think about the other people that might be going through something similar.”

Turning your own pain point into a solution that others can use underlies all entrepreneurship –

whether it’s inventing a product you wish existed, finding a way to make education more affordable, or creating a better way to date online. Heard believes that rather than false bravado, channeling your pain to solve problems builds confidence.

Confidence is about knowing – not flaunting—what you’ve got

“Being an underdog is an advantage,” New York Yankees’ Rachel Balcovec, the first full-time female hitting coach in Major League baseball, told Good Morning America.“It’s a gift when someone doesn’t respect you upfront…because it means that much more when you do earn their respect.”

Bianca Smith of the Red Sox–first Black female coach in the history of professional baseball–echoed the sentiment. “I actually like being underestimated. It’s that much more fun…when people underestimate you and you prove them wrong.”

Knowing that you can prove yourself through execution is reassuring. The trust of others will come.

Connection builds confidence

Sarah Blakely, the pioneer behind Spanx, knows that vulnerability takes strength—and is the truest way to create connection in life and work.

When it comes to building customers’ confidence in you and your product, connection trumps pretension. Customers today value the relatable over the aspirational. Leaders who show vulnerability and the humility to try understanding –not persuading – their customers, ultimately earn customers’ trust.

Doubt builds confidence, too

“Doubt can motivate you, so don’t be afraid of it,” Barbara Streisand once said. “Confidence and doubt are at two ends of the scale, and you need both. They balance each other out.” Like cultivating vulnerability, embracing self-doubt lets leaders build more authentic connections – and project more authentic confidence.

A new brand of self-confidence focused on service, substance, connection, and self-reflection is becoming the gold standard in the workplace–and as it happens, it’s a model we can strive to achieve by embracing both our goals and fears.