10 Emotional Wounds That Can Destroy Your Self-Perception…But, Only If You Allow It

It’s weird when you think about it. You live a life I cannot imagine. I live a life you can’t imagine. So, do we have anything in common? The answer is: Yes. No matter how different our lives are, one thing remains uniquely similar—we ALL can destroy our own potential and self-perception in a heartbeat. Or, we can mend…and move forward. But, how?

How can we destroy our own potential? This is where the answer gets juicy.

“I’m told you’re the guy who knows everything about this place,” a former boss once told me, the first day he was hired. “You no longer know anything, I’m the guy in charge now. Now I know everything.”

Ouch. Those words stung a bit. This conversation happened when I was just 21 years old. And, because of these words, I almost destroyed my future with that company.

Confused? How was I at fault? I didn’t do anything wrong.

…at least not yet.

I typically don’t operate on emotion. But, in this instance, I felt as if my boss was actively trying to diminish me, my knowledge, and my experience. But, was my new boss actually attacking me?

At 21, I didn’t want authority. I didn’t want to be “the guy who knows everything.” But, with my new boss, he wanted all of it. And, looking back, he needed all of it—his job was to know everything about everything.

And, here’s my point…

Sure, I could ramble about my injured feelings. My former boss could also argue that I diminished his authority to lead. In both circumstances, our identities (the way we saw ourselves) were being threatened.

We all have similar stories to tell—of someone threatening our identity and self-perception. It never feels good. But, are these people trying to hurt us? Or, are they simply trying to protect themselves?

After some head-scratching and countless conversations throughout my career, I’ve discovered 10 Emotional/Identity Wounds most of us inflict (or allow) on ourselves. What are they?

You may be destroying your self-perception if you:

1. Believe you must BE like someone else. Society, friends, family, and bosses often feel like they’re forcing us to become something other than ourselves. However, have you ever found yourself asking the question “When do I get to be me?” Research shows, based on your unique core values, that only 1 in 37.9 Million people see the world as you do. You need to BE you.
2. Don’t feel appreciated. Sure, blame this on external players—bosses, teachers, significant others, and family members who don’t adequately recognize you. However, Randall Diamond, TITLE, at Abundantly.com told me, “Appreciation is contagious. We’re an employee recognition company. We hope every organization recognizes their employees. However, our truest hope is that human beings are expressing gratitude toward each other. Anyone can be that spark. Recognition is contagious”
3. “Fake it until you make it.” Fake ‘what’ exactly? I’ve never understood this saying. And, my friend Tracie Meier, Head of Early Careers Programs at Oracle, shed further light by saying, “The world, an employer, your industry, or your personal relationships aren’t just interested in what you already know,” she said. “They’re intrigued by your passion to discover the unknown.” She’s right. None of us should fake anything. Instead, we should “spotlight every problem we intend on solving.”
4. Mis-Understand the difference between Value and Perception. “Don’t Buy Shoes, Buy Buildings” says Nely Galan, the Media Icon and Bestselling Author of Self-Made: Becoming Empowered, Self-Reliant, and Rich in Every Way, and Host of the new Podcast MoneyMaker on Money News Network “Once you create true value (ownership) for yourself, you’ll never need to rely on someone else. Appearing successful and being successful are very different things. Change your mind about what’s valuable. It will set you free.”
5. Live in a Core-Values-Collision. “Your Core Values are your center for inspiration,” says Dr. Chris Hawley, Co-Founder at Seity Health, a wellness, well-being, and mental health focused technology company. “Sometimes our Core Values can collide with other’s Core Values. This could be an individual, a team, or an organization. No Core Values are wrong, however living in constant collision can mean you’re consistently drained and frustrated rather than inspired.
6. Don’t Trust Yourself. “If you don’t trust yourself, it’s extremely difficult to trust others,” said Stephen M.R., author of Trust & Inspire: How Truly Great Leaders Unleash Greatness in Others. “And, when people don’t feel trusted by you, they won’t trust you either. This circle of distrust quickly destroys relationships, perspectives, and potential—for everyone.”
7. Don’t Relate to Your Team. Don’t Relate to Your Team. “We’ve all felt like we don’t fit in,” said Brian Mohr, Co-Founder of anthym, a platform focused on creating cultures of connection in the workplace. “But, that’s typically an assumption. Then you learn that one of your teammates loves the same style of music, or has had a similar life experience and you quickly find out that you have more in common with your teammates than what you originally thought. Human connection is key, and at work, it’s critical to building great teams.”
8. Still live your life in a ‘Bumper Car.’ Many people grow up in disfunction, chaos, and uncertainty. But, Susan Winchester and Martha Finney , authors of Healing at Work: A Guide to Using Career Conflicts to Overcome Your Past and Build the Future You Deserve recently told me, “We don’t need to live as if we’re imprisoned by our pasts. Hanging on to childhood scars can make your adult life feel as if you’re a bumper car—consistently being re-injured every time a person says something to you that triggers a childhood emotion. Instead, work can be a place of healing.
9. Disconnect Mind and Body. I’m not a yoga teacher, a psychologist, or a nutritionist. However, gobs of research reveals the direct connection between healthy eating, exercise, and self-perception. The energy we consume and the energy we exert has a fundamental impact on the way we feel about ourselves.
10. Don’t See the Bigger Picture. “As Doctors, it’s our job to see the bigger picture,” adds Dr. Chris Hawley, of Seity Health. “But, it’s also your personal responsibility. Early in my career I had a patient come into Urgent Care in a tiny little town. She complained that her suture was coming apart from a surgery he had earlier that day, and she couldn’t reach her doctor. She was correct. So, I fixed the suture. And, then she asked for medication to manage the pain. Apparently, I wasn’t the only Doctor she approached for pain meds that day. She died that night of an overdose. I still get emotional about it, and wish I could have seen the bigger picture. But, I also wish she could have seen the bigger picture. Think of all the opportunities she had to ask for help. If you want to solve the real problems, we all need to be willing to see the big picture.

While emotional wounds might sometimes feel like aspects separated from our daily activities, it’s important to understand just how impactful they are on our self-perception and potential. Remember, these wounds can destroy your self-identity, but ONLY if you allow it.